Lockheed Martin Macintosh Guild

'...Window(s) Breaks'

Win 95 drives a proud man to poetry

by Andy Ihnatko

Four little Windows boxes
Sitting in a row,
Like lambs before the slaughter, they
Could never really know
That Death awaited each of them
They never would survive,
For Andy was determined to
Use Windows 95.

I had no choice, I must confess
Because I wrote this book
(Called CYBER-SPEAK. In bookstores now!
Surf Amazon and look)
And MSN had wanted me
To plug it, in live chat.
But MSN has one big flaw:
It doesn't work on Macs.

"Of course, you have a Windows box?"
The sysop said to me.
"What's your address? We'll ship to you
Installation is a snap,
I promise you'll have fun.
Did I forget to mention
That you can't use Win 3.1?"

And soon the thing was in my hands.
The carton had inside
Two fat packs of Setup disks
And one thin Setup Guide.
So I switched on my Packard-Bell
And got out that first disk.
That's when I saw, in type quite small,
"Requires 486."

Let me tell you all about
My Macintosh LC.
It's six years old, and yet it runs
System Seven Five-Point-Three.
My 386 has lots of life,
But to Microsoft, it's dead,
Which left three Windows boxes
To be tried in its stead.

Next I drove to Sister's house
And PC number Two,
A spiffy brand-new Pentium,
And I, without ado,
Began the installation but
It stopped, with this pure bull:
"Can't dupe your 1K .INI file
Because Drive C is full."

"It's full?!" I cried, in some distress,
"You sure could have fooled me!
The drive's a full one gigabyte . . .
Three hundred megs' worth free!"
But Windows smiled and went and trashed
Some random files, and so
It left one brain-dead Pentium
And one embarrassed Bro.

As time passed on, I worried, for
I neared the scheduled day,
But then I thought, "I'm such a fool!
The Cyber-Smith Cafe!
Its kiosks all run 95,
And most have MSN.
If I do the chat in their plush booths
I needn't try again!"

Of course, you know how that turned out,
Just picture in your mind
Me nursing my fourth herbal tea
With manager behind
Attempting to determine why
The thing went on the blink.
Just giving it my user code
Had killed its network link.

Just one last chance remained to keep
My live-chat dreams alive:
I'd transplant to my Dad's PC
My PC's CD drive.
This drive was all his PC lacked,
He used it not a lot.
Though chances of success were slim
I thought I had a shot.

At this point, I just want to say
I'm one big hardware geek.
The things I've built, complete from scratch!
Are quite beyond belief.
But Jumpers! Drivers! IRQs!
For a simple CD drive!
Before I got this running, I'd
Need Windows 2005!

I canceled on my second chat
And hit a nearby bar
To ponder all that I had lost
Pursuing free PR.
My sister had been in my debt
(I'd helped her move, before),
But after this fiasco, I
Now owed her two moves more.

The Net cafe fixed its PC
It never was to blame
(And nor was I, but now I can't
Go there with my real name).
And as for Dad, well, that's a shame,
For his PC's still dead.
But that's OK, 'cause I lent him
A Mac to use, instead.

But there's a sweet end to this tale,
At last I met success!
I hit upon a method that
Requires no fuss or stress.
The install took just four mouse-clicks
And finished in a flash,
Not a single error message
Or a single hang or crash.
I know that Mac tips are my job
But these words are for all
Who face the wilting prospect of
A 95 install:
This is the only way to go.
I'll tell you how it's done:
With a Power Mac set up to use
Windows emulation.

* William Shakespeare Romeo and Juliet. II, ii, I

© 1997, MacUser

Updated: 18-August-1997
Contributed by: John Cecil